Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Simply Logical: An argument about homosexuality




The homosexual friend tries to push it: Come on, everyone has a feminine and a masculine side.


She goes: No, not me.


- Hey, come on, it is unnatural not to have two sides.


- No, it is not. So, you say you are gay, right?


- Yes, I am a lesbian, I do confess.


- Does that mean that being gay is a natural thing?


- I suppose.


- So, would you accept that a person who is masculine is gay?


- Of course I would.


- How come you don't accept that if it is true that I have both a masculine and a feminine side, then my masculine side is gay? Jesus!



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Wednesday, 5 November 2014

Just Like Daddy!




The girl got picked up at the school door by the mother, who, in her red Mazda spoke to the gardener, who had just had an accident whilst trimming their Christmas tree.



Mum kisses her whilst stopping the conversation with the gardener, who was told that her daughter was around and they could talk about that later, when she arrived, what should be happening in less than thirty minutes.


Soon, as promised, they arrive home. The girl decides to observe her mother instead of doing her usual and she then sees the mother dealing with the gardener and trying to understand the situation: The man had just cut himself with the machine and needed some stitches.



The tree was now a bit uneven and with some drops of his blood.



Mum tells her to jump in the car again because they are going to take the gardener to Emergency.



The smiley old man gets twelve stitches, so that the cut was serious.



Mum still drops him at his door, which was about two blocks away from home.



When they arrive home, the girl decides to stick to the decision from before they left to help the gardener and she is then observing: Mum checks the messages on the answering machine, makes a few notes, then resets it. Mum then gets the postal items, dumps what is marketing material, reads the bills, separates what belongs to dad, and goes through her share. Mum then calls the restaurant to order dinner, but not after asking her and dad, and dad was reached via mobile, what they wanted. Mum makes a list with what each one wants, thinks for a while, and orders the closest thing to what they all want that she can find on the menu. Mum then rushes to speak to the cleaner, who was still around. The cleaner had finished for the day, but wanted some extra money. Mum opens her wallet, gives the man a 100-dollar bill, and he goes away much happier than he was when they arrived. Mum then turns on the heater, closes the gates, turns on security, says hi to the dog, who anxiously waited for his food, and she does that whilst filling his feeder, and then asks her why she is not doing her usual. She says that she has to think about a composition they told her to prepare at school: It is about what she wants to be when she grows up. 



Oh, well, says mum, what do you really want to be when you grow up?



I want to be like daddy, mum.



Oh, so you mean you will be a seller? You will work for Smith & Klein? You will call lots of people every day or something?



No, mum: A Son of a Bitch who thinks  only of himself!







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Creativity and Human Names





This Brazilian guy wanted to have a huge family. 


Things being such, he did not hesitate: When the wife gave birth to the first, they called him 1.


When the second was born, they called him 2.


This would make it all simple.


They were then called:
1 de Oliveira
2 de Oliveira
3 de Oliveira
 4 de Oliveira 

His best friend, who was also his brother, so friends with him he was that he decided to copy him, but he decided to have only one kid, so that his was called 1 2 3 de Oliveira 4



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Saturday, 21 June 2014

Sexism in the Medieval Times







And it was still the time of Inquisition when he went to the church to confess his sins.






Marriage back then was a really serious thing, since God was told to be actually watching from very close.



People did not divorce: One of them died and they then could marry another person.





From the confessionary the priest then said: So, my son, what is it today?





He goes:  Priest, oh, my priest... . 



Priest: Say, son. What is it that is afflicting you?



He goes: Priest, you know how I respect all the rules of the Catholic Church, where I have married my wife.



Priest: Yes, son. You have been telling me all these years. 



He goes: Priest, priest... . Not sure I can talk about this.



Priest: What can't you talk about with your Lord through me, son? You do not trust I am a representative of Our Lord anymore?



He goes: No, priest. It is surely not that, but, you know, time goes by and... . 



Priest: Oh, son, what is it that has happened to you?



He: Priest, my priest... . The neighbor, the neighbor of the house in front of mine, that widow... . 



Priest: OK, son. You do not need to talk anymore: Your wife is doing witchery, right? Don't worry, I have plenty of believers in the same situation as you... . Witch she is!




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Tuesday, 17 June 2014

Zorro, Tonto, and the Ambush






Zorro is ambushed by the Indians and he then turns to Tonto (Understanding Zorro and Tonto) and says: We are now surrounded by Indians, Tonto.



Tonto: We who, Pale Face?



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The Art Of Imitation: Only If It Is Altruistic







The occupational therapist was working at Pestalozzi (Pestalozzi). She then asked the kids to clap hands


They were all trying, but none would succeed.


Some would go very close to clapping, like one hand would touch the other slightly on the way to the right position, but the shape would be lost and they would end up almost hugging themselves instead.


She said that they would have to be able to clap hands to progress in their studies.


One after the other, all in a cue, they were trying, but nothing.


Number 200th, the last one, makes that sort of face, of someone who is having difficulties with their bowel movements, a lot of difficulties, but is really persistent, and finally succeeds, so that she finally heard a clap.


As soon as number 200th does that, she hears the sound of all the other pairs of hands clapping for him.



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Sunday, 15 June 2014

The Soap Bar







Three prisoners were found glued to the walls of the shower cubicle, a sort of paralyzed.





The warden looked around to try to make sense of the scene.





In the center of the cubicle, on the floor, a soap bar... .  





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1 Kilo






The country-Queensland woman was visiting Melbourne. She then entered a hardware store. 




As soon as she stopped to examine a bedpan, the seller, a Melbournian man, asked: So, are you going to take the Queenslander




The woman: Queenslander? As far as I know, this is a bedpan.




The seller: No, no, no. Here we call them Queenslanders.




The woman: Hum.




The seller: So, what size are you looking for?




The woman: Of the size that fits one kilo, one kilo and a half of Melbournians... . 




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Sunday, 11 May 2014

MEMORY








Turn to someone and say:

Say dog, cat, and ant no.

They will probably say:

Dog, cat, and ant no.

Then you say:

No. Listen to me: Say dog, cat, and ant no.

They will probably say:

Dog, cat, and ant no (this time a bit more irritated than they were the first time).

Then you say:

No, no, and no. Listen: Say dog, cat, and ant no.

They will probably say:

Dog, cat, and ant no (this time they will probably be fuming).

You then say:

No, no, and no is no. I said: Say dog, cat, and ant no.

Got it?




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ISAAC, THE WELL-KNOWN NEWTON





They say that the greatest findings of human kind were all accidental, just like Newton with the apple.




You know, they say that he was under a tree when an apple fell over his head (Apples, gravity, and Newton).


Because the apple fell vertically, he worked out the law of motion, his second, the one involving acceleration and mass.







Oh, well, in Brazil, and therefore in Portuguese, all Physics teachers tell people to keep this law by means of an acrostic (Acrostic, Freedictionary): A força é má (The force is evil).





We know that the apple fell down to then hit the head of Newton: Evil, evil apple indeed!








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MANOEL





And they told Manoel to think of the James Bond's movies and do something that he does in the movie, but do it differently, so that he would not be copying them, but simply following the lead of a successful series.




There Manoel was, on channel 7. It was a competition for an acting role and it was all being aired for some reason.




They finally called his name.




Camera and lights on him.




So, here is Manoel: Entirely for you!






Manoel: Yes, Noel, Maa-Noel.











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Saturday, 10 May 2014

Second Hand Car In Rio De Janeiro

 (Real life event)






She was a bit broke but wanted a car.


She then decided to check on the newspaper, the one at hand.


There it was: A second hand car for precisely the money she had, 1K.


Without hesitating, she called the man. The name on the ad was João.


She: Mr. João, is your car really OK to drive?


João: Of course, madam. I would not advertise it the way I did, saying it is 100%, if it were not.


She: Oh, well, I might be interested.


João: I will take it to where you are.


She: Then come.


When she sees the car from outside, it did not look that bad. Warned by the father for long, however, since the father was really passionate about cars, she asked João to open the front of the car for her to see what was inside.


As he opened it, she saw nothing apart from an engine.


A bit shocked with the sight, she asks João: Mr. João, are you sure this is OK? I am used to see more things inside of the front of a car than what I am seeing now.


João: Let's go for a test-drive. You will love it!


Driving she is, and João is next to her, in the passenger's seat.


They decided to go just around the block for her to have an idea.


The lights are approaching, everyone has already stopped, but she cannot stop the car.


She: Mr. João, the break is not really working. 


João: Imagine! Of course it is working. Press harder.


She presses harder. Now they are about 5 meters from the lights and everyone has already stopped apart from her.


João: Women are so anxious


She, already red like a tomato: Mr. João, we will collide!


It is then that he dips into the middle of the car and moves the hand break.


João: How is it? Oh, well, when it does not work, you can always do that, isn't it?

...




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Thursday, 8 May 2014

HOSPICE I



One patient said to the other:

I LOVE YOU.





The other answered:

WHO TOLD YOU TO LOVE ME?



The first:

GOD.



The other:


OUTRAGEOUS!

I TOLD YOU NOTHING!


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Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Perfect Marriage




The year was 1920. People in that location still dated from a distance, in the living room, and with the entire family watching.



She had a chronic problem of bad breath and hid that from him at all cost, so that she would even spray perfume into her mouth to converse with him at the living room.


He had a chronic problem of bad smell on the feet and hid that from her at all cost, so that he would even spray perfume over his socks to converse with her at the living room.


All dates were sensational and both had plenty of fun, so that they decided to marry.


On the first night together, he did not know what to do, for she could feel repulsion for him. He would then never leave the bathroom. 30 minutes and he was still showering.


He finally decided to get out.


She, from her end, also did not know what to do and had already imagined ways of never kissing him when he started approaching.


She then decided to say something: Darling... . 


It was then that he rushed and said: I think I know what happened. You obviously have eaten one of my socks!





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