Sunday, 11 May 2014

MEMORY








Turn to someone and say:

Say dog, cat, and ant no.

They will probably say:

Dog, cat, and ant no.

Then you say:

No. Listen to me: Say dog, cat, and ant no.

They will probably say:

Dog, cat, and ant no (this time a bit more irritated than they were the first time).

Then you say:

No, no, and no. Listen: Say dog, cat, and ant no.

They will probably say:

Dog, cat, and ant no (this time they will probably be fuming).

You then say:

No, no, and no is no. I said: Say dog, cat, and ant no.

Got it?




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ISAAC, THE WELL-KNOWN NEWTON





They say that the greatest findings of human kind were all accidental, just like Newton with the apple.




You know, they say that he was under a tree when an apple fell over his head (Apples, gravity, and Newton).


Because the apple fell vertically, he worked out the law of motion, his second, the one involving acceleration and mass.







Oh, well, in Brazil, and therefore in Portuguese, all Physics teachers tell people to keep this law by means of an acrostic (Acrostic, Freedictionary): A força é má (The force is evil).





We know that the apple fell down to then hit the head of Newton: Evil, evil apple indeed!








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MANOEL





And they told Manoel to think of the James Bond's movies and do something that he does in the movie, but do it differently, so that he would not be copying them, but simply following the lead of a successful series.




There Manoel was, on channel 7. It was a competition for an acting role and it was all being aired for some reason.




They finally called his name.




Camera and lights on him.




So, here is Manoel: Entirely for you!






Manoel: Yes, Noel, Maa-Noel.











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Saturday, 10 May 2014

Second Hand Car In Rio De Janeiro

 (Real life event)






She was a bit broke but wanted a car.


She then decided to check on the newspaper, the one at hand.


There it was: A second hand car for precisely the money she had, 1K.


Without hesitating, she called the man. The name on the ad was João.


She: Mr. João, is your car really OK to drive?


João: Of course, madam. I would not advertise it the way I did, saying it is 100%, if it were not.


She: Oh, well, I might be interested.


João: I will take it to where you are.


She: Then come.


When she sees the car from outside, it did not look that bad. Warned by the father for long, however, since the father was really passionate about cars, she asked João to open the front of the car for her to see what was inside.


As he opened it, she saw nothing apart from an engine.


A bit shocked with the sight, she asks João: Mr. João, are you sure this is OK? I am used to see more things inside of the front of a car than what I am seeing now.


João: Let's go for a test-drive. You will love it!


Driving she is, and João is next to her, in the passenger's seat.


They decided to go just around the block for her to have an idea.


The lights are approaching, everyone has already stopped, but she cannot stop the car.


She: Mr. João, the break is not really working. 


João: Imagine! Of course it is working. Press harder.


She presses harder. Now they are about 5 meters from the lights and everyone has already stopped apart from her.


João: Women are so anxious


She, already red like a tomato: Mr. João, we will collide!


It is then that he dips into the middle of the car and moves the hand break.


João: How is it? Oh, well, when it does not work, you can always do that, isn't it?

...




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Thursday, 8 May 2014

HOSPICE I



One patient said to the other:

I LOVE YOU.





The other answered:

WHO TOLD YOU TO LOVE ME?



The first:

GOD.



The other:


OUTRAGEOUS!

I TOLD YOU NOTHING!


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Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Perfect Marriage




The year was 1920. People in that location still dated from a distance, in the living room, and with the entire family watching.



She had a chronic problem of bad breath and hid that from him at all cost, so that she would even spray perfume into her mouth to converse with him at the living room.


He had a chronic problem of bad smell on the feet and hid that from her at all cost, so that he would even spray perfume over his socks to converse with her at the living room.


All dates were sensational and both had plenty of fun, so that they decided to marry.


On the first night together, he did not know what to do, for she could feel repulsion for him. He would then never leave the bathroom. 30 minutes and he was still showering.


He finally decided to get out.


She, from her end, also did not know what to do and had already imagined ways of never kissing him when he started approaching.


She then decided to say something: Darling... . 


It was then that he rushed and said: I think I know what happened. You obviously have eaten one of my socks!





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Tuesday, 6 May 2014

It Is All About Language




Portugal was still being ruled by the General Oliveira Salazar (Reference for General Oliveira Salazar) when our incident happens (20th century).
 
 
This ship was really close to the Portuguese coast and Portugal was praising the General. Parties everywhere, everyone super happy, and the ship, which was still a bit away from the coast, but visible, is making loud noise.
 
 
The coastal guard reads, from their cannon balls sequence: S O S.
 
 
Without hesitation, they respond, also with cannon balls: S O S.
 
 
The ship sank in a hopeless manner.
 
 
 
 
 
When enquired about the reasons for their actions, the Portuguese said they thought that the people on board were obviously joining them in the celebrations and saying Salve Oliveira Salazar (Hail Oliveira Salazar), since that is what they most heard that day.



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It Is All About Science




The Eskimo arrived at his igloo euphoric: Woman, woman! See what I've brought from far away.
 
 
Woman: What? What is it, darling?

 
Eskimo: Matches!

 
Woman: Uh?

 
Eskimo: Now we do not need to go with pieces of wood and make all that effort to have fire. It is all in miniature and it is really easy to do.

 
Woman: Show me! Show me!

 
Eskimo (now rubbing the stick against the side of the box): Just a moment. Hum. I will try another one. Hum. Just a moment. Hum. I will try another one. Hum.

 
Woman: Oh, darling, they do not work!

 
Eskimo: How come? I've tested all before bringing them to you!






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Monday, 5 May 2014

Always Say Something To Those Who Hurt You





The individual was passing by a building when a little turtle fell over his head.

He then got it, starred at it, looked at the windows, and found this relatively old man with one of the hands still out of the window. 

That is when he yelled: Why don't you throw the mother?

In less than 30 seconds, he got the big one over his head in the same way.



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