This story appeared on Yahoo News on the 18th of April of 2016:
Sunday, 3 April 2016
One spinster telling the other: So, yesterday I went to a pub when it was about 9 PM.
The other: And?
The first: I found this man who was like a god, an actual god in looks.
The other: Oh! Tell me, tell me!
The first: We ended up in the motel.
The other: This quickly?
The first: What are you thinking? In my age?
The other: And? Tell me, please tell me.
The first: We were in bed, and all was a sort of Hollywoodian, I must tell you.
The other: What do you mean?
The first: Oh, we got a five star motel, basically. It had environmental sound of the sea, breeze scent coming from everywhere all the time, the bed was surrounded by motives of the sea, it had a water mattress, and zillions of other details that you realistically only see in the movies.
The other: You humiliate, uh?
The first: Nothing. You haven't heard.
The other: What? More on how perfect?
The first: We start the kissing and hugging thing.
The other: Oh, no! You are going to tell me all the details... . Marta, I don't have sex for ten years now!
The first: As we are there, and that was perhaps five minutes from the first kiss, he starts saying that his feet are hurting, like he is in pain and needs to take off the shoes. The man was absolutely gorgeous when I spotted him at the pub, there was plenty of light, and I had had only one glass of weak wine: He had wonderful blue eyes, of the type swimming pool, he was about 1.80 m tall, he had blonde straight perfect and soft hair, his shoulders were from the outer world, so wonderful, and his teeth were of TV style, like impossible to have any more perfect smile.
The other: Humiliate, Marta!
The first: No, you haven't heard.
The other: What? More on how perfect?
The first: We kept on smashing each other but he then insisted with the shoe thing. As he takes off his shoes, I then notice that they were Roberto Leal's style, basically. The man must have gone down at least 10 cm without them. It was unbelievable! We kept on kissing, hugging, and all that even so because I thought to myself: Ages without a drop, ages without any love, who cares about height? He still has these gorgeous blue eyes, this perfect and soft hair, this TV smile, and these shoulders that not even 007 has in the movies.
The other: Marta!
The first: Oh, well, there he was without the shoes and now he was even shorter than me. We go back to the smashing part and he starts saying that now his eyes are bothering him. I indeed notice that they are extremely red. He then takes off both of them.
The other: What? He did not have eyes?
The first: No, Sue, he had them, but he was wearing contact lenses and his eyes were actually very trivial and brown.
The other: Oh! That is nothing, come on!
The first: Yes, you are right. It still makes an extraordinary difference. I was now starring at Jack Nicholson instead of Tom Cruise, basically.
The other: Oh, Marta, come on. All that matters is realistically the dick.
The first: OK. We then kept on smashing each other and it was finally becoming something for me despite all those put downs. He then goes: Oh, oh, come on, babe. I go: What? He goes: You have destroyed my pin. I go: What pin? He goes: The one that was holding my shoulders. I go: What do you mean? He goes: You did not think that I had outer-space shoulders, did you? Babe, I wear a filling to look better.
The other: Oh, also the shoulders! Uh, ah, ih... .
The first: Yeah. Shoulders were gone entirely and I am now thinking I am in bed with DeVito, that it is missing only the big belly and the baldness. Even so, I think of my three years without sex and decide to keep on going. We are there, and I am now a lot down, but we are still kissing and all else. He then starts: Oh, look, I thought it would not be necessary this time, but I bit my tongue again and the glue is not really working. I go: What? He goes: My denture, babe, my denture. You did not think that I had TV teeth in a different way to the way all TV stars had it, did you? I go: What??? He then takes off his denture and now he has only three teeth at the top and two teeth at the bottom of his mouth.
The other: Oh, Lord! You are joking!
The first: I wish.
The other: And then?
The first: Well, not to say that I have a pig's spirit, I turned to him and said that he should tell me about all that was missing taking off or whatever because I was really upset with so many unexpected surprises and it seemed that we would never be able to actually have sex in the way things were going. He then turned to me and said, "Oh, babe, don't you worry, I now only have to put the prosthetic penis up and we can do it".