Wednesday, 2 December 2015

Heavens and Utilitarianism







Everyone was revolted because Manuel entered heavens, so that they all went to complain with God: This man is an animal! He has almost killed tons of people with his dangerous driving.



God then said, I sometimes manage things based on results: This time I worried about the conversion rate. 



My Lord, You should not think of exchange rates and money, since this is not a heavenly topic.



God then said, No, no, no. It is like this: People enter his cab and in less than five minutes I hear, Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!







Let's Put the Brazilian Government Down!







How do we put the Brazilian government down?



Shake the tree!



And if it does not work?



Pesticide!



And if it does not work?



You don''t need to do anything: It is already down!










Teaching Language







The American asked the Portuguese guy, with his typical accent, What is e-di-fí-cio?




The Portuguese guy then said, In Portugal it is like this, you know: We put level over level, level over level, and, when we cannot put level over level anymore, we decide to finish all and we then say, Mas, ó, pá, é difícil, hein?









Sado-Maso







The sadist said to the masochist, Hit me, hit me, oh, please, hit me!




The masochist then said, No, no, no!








What Is It? (2)







What is black and red, black and red, black and red, black and red, black and red, black and red, black and red?



(Think)


(Think)


(Think)


...



A black cat in the liquidizer!







What Is It?






What falls standing and runs lying down?




(Think)


(Think)


(Think)


...



The rain drop!









Tuesday, 1 December 2015

A Racist Joke








The black kid went to the bathroom and painted his face in white using water paint: All was white, not even a black spot appeared.



He rushed to the mother and said, Mum, look!



She said, What have you done, damn kid!? Go back to the bathroom and wash your face immediately!



Not conforming, he rushed to the father and said, Dad, look!



He said, What have you done stupid kid!? Go immediately to the bathroom and wash your face entirely!



He then said to himself, Oh, not even two minutes that I am white and I already hate two blacks. 



Sunday, 3 May 2015

What Are You Doing Down There?




This is from the Brazilian Army, told by the General Braganca (Jayme Braganca Pinheiro):



The soldier was doing the rounds when he heard muffled voices coming from under the bridge. 



As he glanced in that direction, he saw an Army hat with the lieutenant's insignia on it and a female's purse.



He then decided to speak from where he was: Lieutenant, what are you two doing down there?



The lieutenant replied: Creating... Creating people.






A Second Infamous Joke







What did the tunnel say to the train?


Come quickly, yummy!


One Infamous Joke








He: Was it good for you?

She: What?







Sunday, 12 April 2015

No Need (one bad word)






Trish turned to Mary and said:


You see, you can play your guitar, do your research, teach, and you can do all that as if you have no problems on earth, regardless of whether you have sex or not that day.


I OBVIOUSLY need sex more than you do.


You can do all that - as normal - without a man too, so that I OBVIOUSLY need men more than you do.


In this case, can I please take both from you?


Mary:
You have just told me that you cannot do your work if you do not have sex on that particular day, is it not?


Trish:
I guess.


Mary:
In this case, can I please take your job from you?


Trish:
Because of the logic implied in what I said before, I reckon I am obliged to say that you can.


Mary:
Here, done. Nice being so respected at work.


Trish:
Why have you done this to me?


Mary:
You see, my man does not work and his dick only goes up if I can give him something, just like that song, She Hates.